Artist Statement

I finally finished my artist's statement. I want to thank Brad Lovoi for editing my it and pushing me further inward than I would have gone by myself.

Artist Statement:
My natural ability to create tells me that my mission in life is to produce art. I enjoy crafting pieces that are different from anything that anyone has ever seen before. I like to combine different materials to achieve a variety of textures. When I was a kid, I mixed dirt into my oil paints to give the ground I was painting a more authentic texture. Today I use fine netting, transparent papers, and acetate to demonstrate even more textures. A few weeks ago a fellow artist asked me how I achieved the texture over one of my collages and I told her that I applied a very fine netting over it. Just this week I saw her using the netting on her collage. It satisfied me to be able to influence her work and see her replicate my technique on her own.

I have two main styles of art that I use to create my work. With the first style I use colorful felt-tipped markers on paper to create primitive designs. I work in shades of blue, turquoise, purple and green, because those cool colors invoke a calm feeling for me. After I fill a sheet of paper with my designs, I cut half of the paper into strips and glue them to the borders of a frame, or I weave them through solid-color paper to make greeting cards.

With my second style of art, I use mixed media to create two- and three-dimensional pieces of art. I create collaged or drawn artist trading cards, which are small original pieces of artwork the size of baseball cards, that I swap with other trading-card artists. In addition, I create small aquariums by painting or decoupaging the wooden borders of a glass box with mottled strokes of blues, greens, purple, and gold and then I create wire and beaded fish which I suspend from the inside top of the box.

My artwork tells me stories about my self because it is an expression of what is deep inside of me. These stories open a window to my soul and allow me to learn more about my authentic self, the one that is free from the judgments of my day-to-day world.

Voice of God

I haven't written for a few days because I am in the process of putting together my artist's statement. But I wanted to take a break from that and post my thanks to the spiritual forces that (virtually) introduced me to the singing sensation Susan Boyle. For those not familiar with Susan Boyle, she auditioned for the show "Britain's Got Talent" last Saturday night. Boyle is described by CNN in this way,

"Slightly plump and with short brown curly hair, Boyle stood somewhat uncomfortably in the middle of the stage wearing a gold lace sheath. She told the judges and the audience of the show that she was single, she lived with her cat, Pebbles, and she had never been kissed."

The CNN reporter also described that when she came out on stage, the three judges, one of whom was Simon Cowell, snickered and members of the audience rolled their eyes as she explained that she wanted to be a professional singer like Elaine Paige, who is a famous singer in the UK. I, myself, was brought back to that horrible place in my youth where I was just waiting to be judged by those critics in my life who could not wait for me to fail yet one more time.

But then, Susan Boyle started singing "I Dreamed the Dream" from "Les Miserables" and from the first note she had not only the snickering judges, but the entire eye-rolling audience, totally mesmorized with her voice. I love when God seeps into our every day lives and teaches us that life is so much more than the way we look and behave, especially when we do not conform to society norms. I am left with the image of Simon Cowell, sighing with contentment, with a spark in his eye that signaled that he was listening to the voice of an angel.

Afterthoughts:
I wonder if there exists within me, the capacity to communicate a visual expression that is as majestic as Susan Boyle's voice. If not, I wonder what my contribution should be to the art world.

No kidding!

In my last post I told you that I asked the Post Road Art Center to take me off their mailing list and, wouldn't you know it, that very afternoon I received feedback from them for the collage that I reworked using their advice. I don't know whether they wrote because I unsubscribed from their newsletter, because that process was supposed to be anonymous, but it wouldn't have taken a genius to figure out who sent them the comments. And it doesn't really matter what prompted their response because they both took the time to validate my effort and give me some valuable creative direction.

The most constructive comment I received was one that I had never received before, EVER, in all my years of art school and that was:

"Have you tried writing an artist statement, summing up what you are trying to accomplish with your work? One of my professors once gave me a list of several questions that an artist should ask themselves every so often; it’s not something I have handy, and I’m not an art teacher; but if you’re really looking for critiques, there are often classes being offered - not just at colleges but sometimes through continuing ed. or art guilds - on refining your vision, critiquing your work, etc."

It has never occurred to me to write an artist statement, and it makes so much sense especially when I have always had a great deal of trouble understanding the "whys" of fine art, why one artist's method of expression reaches more people than another artist's or what makes a piece of art a masterpiece, and so forth. As a result I have a lot of trouble looking at my own work and wondering if it's commmunicating to my viewers or if it really has all the components needed to be considered "art." So when someone criticizes or rejects my work, it goes to that place inside of me that makes me feel as though I am a fraud because I don't understand what I've done myself.

I think that writing the artist statement will enable me to get in touch with my art, and may also help me to get more in touch with myself in the process, because I already know that I have a strong need to produce art. Right now it is coming out with colorful and decorative patterns. I don't know yet what this means artistically, but I do have a sense that what I am expressing visually is coming from my soul, and I know that I need to keep using that expression as a vehicle to become better acquainted with the authentic me.

So, I will now Google the term "artist statement" and use that as a foundation for my artwork going forward and for when I begin SARK's course next Sunday. I cannot wait for that course to begin.

Afterthoughts:
I would love to get your analysis on a comment made by one of the reviewers at the art center. After suggesting the artist statement because she did not understand what I was expressing with my work, she said:

"ps- there are no absolute answers, only questions...."

General update

I started radiation yesterday, and there is not really much to say about that except my schedule, a little bit about the women there, and a pathetic story. I will be having the treatment on Monday through Friday for the next six weeks. I've already met some women who are waiting with me. It doesn't matter which stage of cancer we are at, just that we are all in it together. It's an odd kind of camaraderie, but I feel honored to be welcomed into it because I consider all the women waiting there to be very strong and courageous.

Yesterday, when the technicians were positioning me on the table, I was lying there with my arms up over my head and my right breast exposed. I told the technicians that I felt like a Playboy model. They didn't respond, not even a snicker. Feeling silly, I said "do you get comments like that all the time?" and one of them said "Actually, no" and that made me feel sillier.

When I got back to work yesterday, there was an e-newsletter waiting for me from SARK, the inspirational artist I told you about in an earlier blog (from March). She said that she will be offering an online course on transformation. I am looking at this year as a time of spiritual transformation for me, which is my main reason for writing this blog, and so I signed up for her course with great enthusiasm. What follows is a little bit of information about her course:

"In this 30-day interactive, multimedia journey, you'll be working (and playing!) on healing and transforming 15 areas of your life, including:

• Family
• Intimacy
• Friendships
• Self Love
• Money
• Loneliness
• Body Image
• Food Relationships
• Illness
• Aging
• Time
• Moods
• Ego
• Work
• Creativity"

This course is just what I've been looking for to conquer my depression/loneliness and to make my life more fulfilling, as I haven't felt inspired to conduct any heavy self-help or spiritual reading. The information and format of this course really attracted me. I honestly believe that the course came to me through Divine Intervention with the praying I had done the day before to receive answers to the question of why I don't believe it when people say nice things about me. In addition, I told the Post Road Art Center, the group that rejected my artwork and made me feel unwelcome in their community, to take me off of their mailing list. I chose to close that door, and the next day, a new, more inviting, door opened up in front of me.

Looking inward

As I described yesterday, I want to have a conversation with myself in order to challenge my depression, and my blog is a good tool to use as a beginning. So with all of you as my audience, I want to know: "Why do I have trouble believing it when people say nice things about me?"

This is usually where I stop and let my resistance take over. The stuck feeling inside of me wakes up that inner critic who promptly asks me whether I've spent long enough on my blog entry for the day, if I have more important work to do, and why bother even asking the question if I have no immediate answer? But if I just fight this urge to quit, close my eyes, and just focus on that one question, what happens? Let's see....

OK, I have to confess that it is now the next day, that I did not feel comfortable closing my eyes and meditating at my work desk, for fear that someone with authority would walk by and think that I was sleeping. So after several attempts at focusing last evening I have a possible answer to the question "why don't I believe it in my heart when someone compliments me?"

I think that in order for me to truly understand the "Why" I need to be mindful that this all has to do with having been emotionally neglected when I was growing up. My song and dance went something like this - I would receive a compliment, for example, my mother might have said "You are fun to be around." I would take that comment to heart revelling in the thought that she loved me and would always be there to nurture me emotionally. But then she would go away, as she did often, because she travelled a lot in her business. And that left me to ponder the authenticity of her compliment "Well if I am so much fun to be around then why does she keep going away? Aren't I enough to keep her at home?" Later when I started dating I've had dates say to me that I am beautiful or a wonderful person, and then sometime later, I would fomd out that there is another beautiful and wonderful someone that my date would rather be with.

It appears that I associate the words of the compliments with actions, but only with people who I've come to rely on emotionally, specifically my family and certain friends. So now, when a friend or family member compliments me, I am in the habit of dismissing the compliment as mere, unimportant words in order to protect myself from getting hurt, even if the person does feed me emotionally in our relationship. I stay on guard because I have no way of knowing how long the relationship is going to last.

Getting in touch

In the book, "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, she relays a workable solution to conquering, or at least challenging, her depression. What she does is takes out a journal and writes a help request to her innermost self. The request can be as simple as "I need help." She writes the words down on paper to get them out of her head, then she closes her eyes, focuses on her inner core, and she waits for a response from what she calls her "internal voice of wisdom."

She says "Even during the worst of suffering, that calm, compassionate, affectionate and infinitely wise voice (who is maybe me, or maybe not exactly me) is always available for a conversation on paper at any time of day or night."

If she really clears her mind and starts to meditate on her wise self, she usually comes up with an answer that will take her in the direction that she needs to find a solution to her happiness. "In response, somewhere from within me, rises a now familiar presence, offering me all the certainties I have always wished another person would say to me when I was troubled." And knowing that she has an inner voice allows her to recognize that she is never alone, and that helps comfort her feeling of loneliness.

Some friends who have read my blog have told me that they want to help me find my authentic self, the one that is deeply buried inside of me, under all the muck of the judgements and criticism I received in my youth. In their efforts to help me, they are giving me many compliments. I am not going to kid you, it feels great to hear people say nice things about me to my face, but the actuality is that while I am going to hear these words, I am not going to really feel them with my heart, until I've had those conversations with my inner self around why I have trouble believing it when people say nice things about me.

Dr. House?

Hugh Laurie is one of my favorite actors, and the character that he plays on the TV series "House" is one of my favorite TV characters of all time. What I admire about Dr. House is his ability to not care what anybody else thinks about him (and I love people who can honestly do that). In addition, I love the conflict between his apparent dislike of human beings and his passion to save them.

So you can imagine my surprise and my happiness (well, happiness in a "misery loves company" kind of way) when I found out that Hugh Laurie suffers from depression.

For those of you who didn't read "Inside The (Odd) Mind Of Hugh Laurie" by Jeanne Wolf, in Parade Magazine, April 5, 2009. This is what was written about Hugh Laurie's depression:

***********
"He has, however, spoken frankly about his battle with depression, for which he sought help in 1996. 'I wish I'd kept my mouth shut about that.' Laurie says, 'That's an example of me throwing open the doors and trusting - and then coming downstairs and finding the TV is gone. Now an undue weight has been given to this aspect of my life.'

'I don't like to be thought of as this guy who has nothing else to talk about except how miserable my lot was,' Laurie continues, 'And of course people respond to that in peculiar ways: 'He's incredibly fortunate and blessed. What the hell does he have to moan about?' I remember watching Mel Gibson on some show once, and he was being asked about his belief in the afterlife. Gibson said, 'Well, I can't believe this is all there is' and I thought, 'Wait a minute. You're Mel Gibson. You have millions of dollars. You're a great-looking chap with every conceivable blessing that could be bestowed upon a man and that's not good enough? So you can see why I'm hesitant to talk about any trivial pain I have. I find myself going 'Oh, for God's sake, Hugh, pull yourself together.'

'On the other hand' Laurie adds, I do know depression is a disease. It's a matter of pride fot the people who work on House that we have aligned ourselves with the National Alliance on Mental Illness. We've brought some attention to the cause. Funny enough, it is the last great taboo - something people still don't want to talk about.'

All this awareness hasn't chased away Laurie's self-deprecating attitude.

'I suppose I'm trying to exorcise something by anticipating disaster,' he says.'Perhaps I am encouraging the gods to go easy on me, because I have already done it to myself. So they don't need to add or put their boot in. I've tasted the worst before it's happened.'"

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One of my major concerns about depression is that it doesn't matter how good someone's life is on the outside, if that person is hurting on the inside then what's going on in the outside is not going to change anything. If someone has cancer and everything is going well otherwise, no one is going to say "Pull yourself together with the cancer, everything is going well for you otherwise." So why do people do that with depression, when depression is as much of a disease as cancer? It's because people don't see depression as a disease. They see it as a mood or an emotion that people have control over changing "if only they chose to."

Afterthoughts:
In last night's episode of "House" one of the main characters committed suicide. I believe that the ones who are responsible for the TV series will raise awareness to mental illness in a respectable way through the show. Kudos to House for doing this.

Here is the link to buy a t-shirt:

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=House_T-Shirt_Partnership&Template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=72464&lstid=944

Eat Pray Love

As I mentioned earlier, I've come to realize in the past five weeks since my diagnosis that I am fighting a bigger battle with my self-esteem and my subsequent depression than I am with my cancer. In order to help me find my inner happiness, I am reading "Eat Pray Love," by Elizabeth Gilbert.

I will be continuing to blog about this book for a while as I find that it is helping me to look into my own deep core and helping me to separate what is really real from what was imposed on me through repeated judgements and criticisms that I received in my earlier life.

This installment discusses a quote from a medicine man named Ketut Liyer who Elizabeth Gilbert met in Indonesia. He said to her:

"'To find the balance you want,' Ketut spoke through his translator, 'this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have four legs, instead of two. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart instead, that way you will know God.'"

Right after I read that portion of the book, I fell asleep and I found myself dreaming about a friend who I used to have a big crush on and who was not so nice to me. I dreamt that he and his family were convicted for some horrible crime and the media was just starting to find out about it. I went to visit them in their home which was surrounded by reporters and TV cameras, and right after I arrived in their kitchen, my friend announced that he was going to bed, so I talked to his father for most of my visit. Just before I left, I went to say goodbye to my friend and I leaned over to kiss him on the lips. Then I kissed him again and he said "Can you stop that? I am trying to sleep." And when I woke up I realized that it will be harder than I thought to look at some situations with my heart.

Many selves

In an earlier post, the one about my inspiration for writing this blog, I talked about searching deep inside myself for the person I truly am and seeking the strength of that aspect of my person to help me through my cancer battle. Francie confirmed this belief in her comment when she said that I need to draw on that same strength when facing any battle, not just my cancer one. At the time, her words scared me because I knew that while I had an army of people to support me through the cancer battle, I only had myself to support me through the depression one.

Since that post I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I can support myself in my effort to find my strong self, and in my thinking I have discovered that there are four different selves dwelling inside of me. I have a mature self that I portray to the outside world. I have a vulnerable self that is insecure and afraid. I have a critical self that is negative and judgemental (and prays on the vulnerable self) and I have my authentic self, which is buried under the muck and toxicity created by the vulnerable and critical selves.

My authentic self is grounded and strong. This is the self that will help me fight my battles. It seems that for me to be happy, my authentic self has to assure my vulnerable self that it will be supported and protected always. It all sounds very simple, but the hard part is getting the vulnerable part of me to trust the authentic part of me, really with all my heart and not simply with words. That's where I am stuck. But, I think that having that mental model provides a decent map for finding the authentic part of me and creating a visual of where it is in relation to my other selves. There will be more to come on this topic as my thinking progresses.