It's anxiety

Today I am reminded of why I started this blog. I got my inspiration the day before I received my diagnosis, when I confessed to my therapist that a large part of me wanted to receive a cancer diagnosis. I have much the same feeling today as I await the results of my genetic testing. There is a very large part of me that wants to test positive for having the hereditary cancer gene that will put me at a higher risk for a cancer recurrence. I feel as though having a positive diagnosis in this case is my last ticket out of here. And again, I am left wondering if the depression is of greater concern than a positive genetic test result.

Also, I am not quite certain that what I suffer from is depression. I don't feel in the depths of despair and haven't felt that way in a very long time. What I feel, instead, is a profound anxiety that cannot keep my body still. It is this constant feeling of always dreading the worst that keeps me from being able to relax. That feeling is coupled with the physical rituals I feel compelled to perform to keep potential evil away. Yup, that's the old Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), my dearest love/hate companion for over 40 years now.

A good day for me is when I feel as though I have managed to dodge all the bullets in my day. I don't remember a day in which I have felt totally relaxed and really felt good about my life. OK. yes, there were times when I've felt the blessing of peace within me, but those were times when I was medicated with a sedative. I do not remember a time when I have felt truly at peace with myself completely, on my own, without the help of medicine. There is always that feeling of being on guard, much of the time coupled with the physical rituals of my OCD. And finding it difficult to live in my own skin is the reason that I want to escape.

Afterthoughts:
With all the advanced medical technology available now, I am totally shocked and incredulous that there is NOTHING available, except for a Quaalude taken once every four hours for the rest of my life, that can cure (not pacify, but CURE) my anxiety.