Paradigm shifting?

On March 17, 2009, I described my inspiration for this blog, that there was a part of me that wanted a positive cancer diagnosis without knowing why. Since that day, I've been paying attention to myself, drawing, analyzing events for clues that might unravel answers, and I've been blogging these experiences and using tools to try to figure out why I want to be sick.

When I first started writing this blog, I suspected that wanting to have cancer was connected to depression, that I wanted an "exit" to a very unhappy life. But, I soon admitted to myself that my life is not all that unhappy. My mind and body is, however, very anxious. I live every day in fear that something bad is going to happen, which can be very exhausting, and I think about how serene it would be to find an escape for that. In addition, I think about how full of shame I've felt almost all my life, for nearly everything that I've done, and I think about how difficult it is to live with that haunting shame, and how nice it would be not to have to live with it anymore.

And then I think about how courageous people look when they have cancer - Elizabeth Edwards, Steve Jobs, Patrick Swayze, to name a few. I want to look courageous too. I want to be able to go for my treatments while still holding down my job and the household with admirable flexibility. I want people to look at me and say "Wow, what you are doing is absolutely amazing."

But, I think that my "grand wish" for sickness has been shaken by recent events. On April 20th, the son of a co-worker lost his 2.5 year battle with brain cancer. He was only 31. In another event, a friend of mine has flown halfway around the world to be with her sister who is now in hospice. I heard from my friend's mother last week, and it nearly broke my heart when she told me that losing a child is more than she can bear. I mean, who the hell do I think I am to want myself dead at the age of 53, when these two young people have been cheated out of their young lives? If I were the loved ones - my co-worker, my friend, my friend's mother, I would just smack myself right in the face.

Another event that gave me pause about my wish was a controversial anti-smoking commercial which ran in Australia. In the ad, a young boy around the age of 3 or 4 was with his mother in a crowded train station. The mother walked away for a second and the camera focused on the boy and the fear to terror that emerged as he realized that his mother was no longer beside him. The voiceover then said "This is how he reacts when he loses you for a minute. Imagine how he would feel if he lost you for a lifetime." And that ad shook me up. I thought about my kids, my youngest specifically, and realized that I do mean something to him and he would be very unhappy without me. That was a huge realization, by the way, to finally get into my heart so that I really believed it, that my kids really love me and want me there for them. There was a time not too long ago when I thought that they would be better off without me.

And then there was yesterday when I experienced a headache that was so debilitating that I could not lift my head from the pillow without feeling nausea. I realized that this is the way I would probably feel if I were going through chemo. I thought about how bored I was just lying in bed, not being able to do anything except think and just let my mind wander until it reached the thought that said "Is this what you are wishing for, because this is what your life would be like if you had a more serious stage of cancer."

As I mentioned earlier, there is something very admirable about heading off to treatment every day and juggling that with my day-to-day responsibilities, but there is nothing at all dignified about being hunched over a toilet still feeling the urge to throw up when there is nothing left in your system to purge.

OK, now don't get me wrong, my paradigm has not completely shifted (there is still that genetic testing result that I am waiting for) and my blog is not at all over, but see how my journalling has already helped me to chisel away some of the layers of resistance and help me to reveal some possible answers?

Afterthoughts:
I am somewhat glad that I had that severe headache yesterday because for the first time since I received my cancer diagnosis, I felt as though I deserved all the good wishes, gifts, and attention that I've received from people. Even through both surgeries and radiation, I felt as though what I was going through was no big deal, but emerging on the other side of that headache pain and nausea, really made me feel like I came through a battle.