Many selves

In an earlier post, the one about my inspiration for writing this blog, I talked about searching deep inside myself for the person I truly am and seeking the strength of that aspect of my person to help me through my cancer battle. Francie confirmed this belief in her comment when she said that I need to draw on that same strength when facing any battle, not just my cancer one. At the time, her words scared me because I knew that while I had an army of people to support me through the cancer battle, I only had myself to support me through the depression one.

Since that post I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I can support myself in my effort to find my strong self, and in my thinking I have discovered that there are four different selves dwelling inside of me. I have a mature self that I portray to the outside world. I have a vulnerable self that is insecure and afraid. I have a critical self that is negative and judgemental (and prays on the vulnerable self) and I have my authentic self, which is buried under the muck and toxicity created by the vulnerable and critical selves.

My authentic self is grounded and strong. This is the self that will help me fight my battles. It seems that for me to be happy, my authentic self has to assure my vulnerable self that it will be supported and protected always. It all sounds very simple, but the hard part is getting the vulnerable part of me to trust the authentic part of me, really with all my heart and not simply with words. That's where I am stuck. But, I think that having that mental model provides a decent map for finding the authentic part of me and creating a visual of where it is in relation to my other selves. There will be more to come on this topic as my thinking progresses.