Artwork

I have been very unhappy with my artwork lately. I think that a lot of it has to do with having been rejected from the Post Road Art Center art show. It definitely contributed to my feeling not good enough. But I am wondering if some of it has to do with my diagnosis.

Let me interject first by writing that I define myself by my artwork. It is the easiest and fullest way for me to express my voice. A very big part of me feels as though my artwork is the best thing that I do and has helped me cope when I've felt as though I haven't measured up to others. It's the one talent or niche that I have that has set me apart from my other, more judgemental, family members. Many people from my past remember me for my artwork. So when someone rejects my artwork, it goes deeper than just simply "getting back on my horse and riding again." I feel as though the person has rejected me - what is the deepest part of me, what I hope to contribute as part of my life's work, and what I hope to leave behind when I am gone.

Getting back to the diagnosis piece, my mind has been protecting me with denial so it's very hard for me to seek out some clarity on how I really feel about my diagnosis, but I think there is a vulnerability inside of me that is making me more sensitive to rejection and more motivated to make more sustainable contributions now that my productive time may be more limited.

I have always known in the past that the one quality that keeps me from producing great art is my lack of patience. I've never had the patience to go one step further. I've always wanted to finish my pieces fast and then show everyone and get positive approval, but now I just don't have the energy. In the protective denial of my mind, I am not acknowledging the physical impact of having had two surgeries in the past month. I am kidding myself in thinking that I am totally back to where I was pre-surgery. Of course, I don't have the energy and the patience to produce right now. I am NOT one-hundred percent back to my regular health. My worry is whether I ever will be. My hope is whether the diagnosis will help me to become more patient.