Good news?

On Monday morning I received the news that the results of my pathology report were negative. Both the lymph node and margins that were removed the week before were cancer-free. Ron was ecstatic. He said that now he could finally exhale. I, on the other hand, was more than a little sad. Since my diagnosis on February 25th, people have been paying attention to me, buying me small gifts, putting notes on my keyboard, sending me mail, offering to get together with me, taking me seriously, commenting on my strength and perseverence, giving me a sense of community, and looking out for me. Now that I am cancer-free I get to go back to my isolated life and be the nobody I was before I got sick, and it makes me sad.

Ron really understands my sadness and made me feel better when he said "Just because someone isn't drunk doesn't mean that person is not an alcoholic." He was right. Being cancer-free gets me off the hook for the time being but that one little lump has secured me a lifetime membership in the "club." It's kind of like when I was 12 and I was talking to that girl at tennis camp who told me that her father was Neil Diamond's manager and he wanted to get into a performer's union, but in order to do that he had to be a performer. So, at the end of "Cracklin' Rosie" he crashed a set of cymbals together once and that got him into the union.

I know that my thoughts and emotions seem twisted to the "normal" person but that is part of my depression, to grasp at whatever I can, whatever works to make me feel better.

Afterthoughts:
Ron and David were happy with the news of my pathology report. Before I went to the doctor this morning, Aaron was sad and displayed emotion. I was happy that he got it out. I hope he is happy when Ron tells him the good news when he gets home from school. It makes me feel loved that this news makes my family happy.